Brad Gone Mad Version 1.0

My life is changing. New ghosts are being made and the old ones are still haunting. I'm not a young man anymore, yet I feel like one. I'm out of control and can't find the end of the rope I need to grasp so badly. If I can just get ahold of it I'll be able to steady myself. I can always see it dangling in front of me and as I reach for it like the proverbial carrot on a string, the powers that have me under their control yank it away and I have to settle for the same old thing. Like a dog being served one more fucking dish of dry dog-food, I keep thinking the T-bone is coming but I know in my heart it's not.

I can see the other side of the fence in my minds eye and it's beautiful. I also know intimately the demon that must be slain in order to gain the prize, yet I always seem to be holding a butter knife. (Oh, good luck comrade! Have you seen the teeth on that fucker.) How much time is there left on this sinking bog before the last bubbles float up to see me going down into the muck? (Adios amigo!) I wanna be the star of the show! I wanna go where no man has gone before. God-dammit!, I want the golden ticket, the chocolate factory, and the world's king crown. But I want it served to me on a t.v. tray with my half-warmed meal. But I'd gladly settle for a good how-to book that isn't written in gibberish.

How does one leave a mark? Not some gross little stain like a swatted fly leaves behind, but one big enchilada! Something akin to 3 nuclear bombs. I just want to know that somewhere, somehow, I made a mark on the world. I want to be remembered for more than the 50 years I may get if I'm lucky. I want the mark to be genuine too. My problem has only 2 relevant words to describe it. Fear and laziness. In the opposite order though. I'm gullible. I swallowed them both hook, line and sinker. I believed that I was both lazy and afraid and to my own dishonor fell into them both comfortably. I snuggled into the big sofa of life with the snuggley pillows of procrastination and stayed there for the duration. I belong here. This is my place. I have been handed the comfy blanket of placement by judgement, and I want it. I want it for all it's worth. And so the nap begins and so does the madness.